P.F. Chang, That's Not Where The Heart Goes.

So, I'm sorry (and or glad?) to say that this is my 100th post... and it has to do with a horses butt hole. So, as the hill people say, "a good spell back" we went on vacation to Disney World. Incidentally, that was the last time we took a real vacation, which is making me need to go on a vacation. Two years between vacations in unacceptable. Though, we did have Becky student teaching, then I had student teaching, then the economy was all, "hey screw you, buddy" and I was all "Hey, I'm not your buddy, guy!" and then it was like, "I'm not your guy, buddy!"

Anyhow, as I was saying, April of 2009 was the last time we went on vacation, and for that trip we went to Disney World, which is one of our favorite places (as well you know). However, on the way down we decided to stop for a few days in Atlanta to visit the Jeff and Sara. Highlights of that trip included a guy that smelled so bad that we could smell him before he walked around the curve in a path at the Atlanta Zoo, or Zoo Atlanta as those crazy southerner's call it... Actually they also call it the Zoo of Northern Aggression.... or did that have something to do with a war... can't recall. Other highlight was the at the lemur exhibit, while watching two lemurs nap on a branch together, a lady that thought it was "DISGUSTING AND DREADFUL" to allow animals to live in sin like that. But hey, that's what happens when there is no equality in marriage. It's between 1 man and 1 woman... RIGHT GEORGIA... So, what other choice is there for lemurs...



Well it was a short visit as we were on our way to Florida, so we only spent a few days there. While we were there we decided to go to P.F. Chang's for lunch.



Well, since it was a lovely day in April, we decided to be seated on the outdoor area to have our lunch. As you also know if you've ever been to a P.F. Chang's before there are two GIANT horses outside of each restaurant.

Well, turns out that the dining area outside was right behind one of those giant horses. So, we're eating our lunch and I happen to notice that those horses have a special anatomical feature that isn't found on most horses, and most likely something you'd find at a Play Doh Fun Factory... That little surprise is this:



Yes, that's right, a heart shaped bum hole! WTF!? Ok, here's how it must have gone down in the design room at P.F. Chang's headquarters:

Rogers: Well, Smith, I like the giant horse idea, makes me think of the Trojan War, but it's still good. Let's put two in front of every restaurant.

Jenkins: Sir, I think there's something missing. I mean, what about the places where people are eating out side? They'll be right behind those horses.

Rogers: Smith, Jenkins has a point, what if some guy is eating dinner and looks up at the giant horse's ass. What's he going to see?

Smith: How about we put a heart there, to remind people that they love our food?

Rogers: Good thinking Smith! You're getting a promotion for making everyone love a horse's ass! And if it goes poorly, we'll blame it on Jenkins.

Jenkins: .....

Smith: I have to go now... Our writer didn't come up with a good ending for this sequence....


So there you have it. Check it out next time you're at a P.F. Chang's... But just remember, people may notices that you're sneaking a peak at a horse's bum.

A Bird Called Lola

This spring we decided that we needed to do a little landscaping. When we moved in there was A LOT of rock in our yard. Limestone in all the landscaping areas. Limestone around all the trees. Limestone up the entire length of our driveway. Limestone in a circle in the center of our yard. Really, not our thing, so we decided it was time to get rid of some of that. We started by pulling it out from around the two little trees in our front yard. That went pretty well, with the exception of the ant nest that was around one tree under the rocks. STUPID ANTS!

After the removal around the trees, we decided to target the big six to seven foot circle in the middle of our front yard. Well, that went pretty well too! I wasn’t too keen on all the friggin’ spiders (STUPID SPIDERS) that were hanging out, but it went pretty fast, and was totally going to look great when we planted flowers and a cute little tree in the center of it.
Enter Lucifer. Lucifer is what we named the discovery as we took the rocks out of the yard. See, as we removed the rocks we found that they were hiding a manhole cover. Yes, that’s right, under that six to seven foot circle of rocks, was a manhole. A big, ugly, metal, manhole cover called LUCIFER! Well, it wasn’t called that until we uncovered it, but you get th… STOP DISTRACTING ME! Lucifer. Ruining our life. So what to do now? So for a few weeks instead of a big rock circle, we had a big dirt circle while we debated what to do with our new addition to our yard family.

In the end we decided to go with some pretty little Boxwood around a bird bath. And, let me just say, finding a bird bath is not as easy as you might think. First of all, why the F are they all so small? I want something taller than a food! I’m not in the Land of Oz; I need something a little bit bigger. Second, I don’t want something made of plastic. F that S in the A! So, we went everywhere, looking for an appropriate birdbath. Finally we got a nice little tile mosaic one from Sears. Go figure.

Well, we also thought it’d be nice to get all those friggin’ rocks from along our driveway and plant a combo of grass and perhaps Fire Bushes? (Leave your suggestions in the Doobly-Do) Well, one day we come home, and there’s a bird hanging out in our ‘rock garden’. And quite a cranky looking bird at that! So, I decide to investigate and as I get closer the crankiness explodes into an angry squawking and the bird gets all bushy looking (not in “The Decider” type fashion, but in the puffy type fashion), and is all, “BRING IT, BITCH!” So, being large enough to step on her and end this little fight, I decide to just back off and not be so interested… UNTIL LATER!

Yes, later I decide to go see WTF is up with this friggin’ bird. So, I go out later to see, and the bird has left. However, the bird made a little area where she had pushed out all the rocks, and I discover she has some eggs! WTF! ON THE GROUND?!!? Well, I looked up the bird and found it’s a Killdeer. Now, apparently the bird gets this name because scientists through that it sounded like the bird was saying “killdeer” when they first encountered it. BUT DON’T LET THAT FOOL YOU! I’ve seen the blood lust in their eyes. They would take a deer out. Probably execution style. If Norbert were a bird, she would be this… or that bird we saw in Sea World: Discovery Cove that ate dead baby mice… Or, at the very least this bird would be one of her evil henchmen.

So, apparently these birds make nests in rocks and then lay eggs that look like rocks, and if anything gets to close, it pretends to have a broken wing to draw away the predators (perhaps a tactic the Taliban should try… Get it? Because they’re called Predator Drones???). Anyhow, we couldn’t remove the rocks because the bird, who we decided to call Lola, had a nest with a bunch of eggs. And, guess what. THE EGGS HATCHED! Yes, we had little Lola Babies running around our driveway area! Sweet! Aren’t they cute! LOOK HOW CUTE!!!!









Aren't they just cute! And once they were older Lola and her babies headed out into the field. I"m not sure what happened to them. For a while they stayed around the area and we saw them, but then I guess they moved on, as I didn't see Lola or her babies for a long time. But, a few weeks ago we saw some more of them hanging out near our house. I assume it was Lola.

What? I was here the whole time...

GREETINGS READERS!!! Wait, can I call you readers when I haven't published a blog since February? Hmmm. Well obviously you would have to read this to answer that question, therefore you would be a reader. So, YES, I can call you that. But quit dilly-dallying around and get down to business. You have a lot to answer for! Where have you been so long? What have you been doing? What have we missed? What's going on now? And, most importantly, do they still make dust busters???

Well, to answer your questions. Doing stuff. Because. Stuff. More stuff. The Usual Stuff. And, Yes. Yes they do.

So.... ten months... That's kind of a long time... Ok, I didn't forget I had a blog. I wasn't insanely busy. Yes, I know the last time I was on here I was saying how I wanted to do this more. I just couldn't be bothered, so bugger off! Plus, three readers, it's not like I've seen much out of you lately. DON'T THINK I HAVEN'T NOTICED! But, this isn't about you, or about not blogging for a long time, because I've come back to, as they say, the blog-o-sphere. Who is "they" you ask? Well.... obviously.... it's, um. THEM. Who say that.. because that's what THEY say.

Ok, perhaps we should catch up. When last we met I was student teaching, and my new niece had just been born. OH! LOOK HOW CUTE!!!!! Yes, and Becky wasn't allowed to eat the baby, not that it mattered because they aren't filled with chocolate, so really what's the point? If that doesn't make any sense, then perhaps you should say to yourself, "IT'S A BABY!" And by that I mean click the link and read the short entry and see the evidence of Becky trying to eat the baby. My favorite part is how she actually looks a little concerned that Becky may actually eat the her. A kind of, "Oh, dear!" expression. Hilarious! Well, now that we have the review out of the way, on to the new events since then.


Well, new business is this guy right here! BAM! Yeah, that's right, I got a nephew a few weeks after a niece. Of course, not from the same parent, because that would be really weird to have 6 weeks between the birth of twins... So yes, no freak babies, just different parents. SO YAY! New niece, new nephew. Aren't they cute! LOOK AT THEIR CUTE! Cute. I like that on his face he has a kind of "What the devil do you think you're doing over there?" look on his face. Now, I always say what sort of expression they have, but for all I know they're really just going, "POO! FOOD! LIGHT! Hmmmm sleepy time." That's probably the more likely reality, however my version is funnier, so that's what we're going to go with.














Since then both babies have grown up. I think they're at Yale, hanging out at frat parties... writing papers... No, wait, they're still babies, only larger, more alert, and sassy babies. Actually, judging from this picture, I think they may have moved to a retirement community in Boca. I shall call them Richard and Evelyn... It'll be funny, unlike those creepy e-Trade commercials with the babies... those are NOT funny.


So, other happenings. I finished my student teaching, which was FANTASTIC! I had a great bunch of chillins to teach, and it was really a wonderful experience. And, I have to say I think I did a really good job. I think others thought so too because immediately following the student teaching part, they asked me if I'd be interested in a long-term sub position! That's right! BUH-DAOW!!! That's the sign outside of my door! So I just about finished off the rest of the school year teaching World History again, and the second half of U.S. History! It was wonderful, really enjoyable, and gave me some great experience! After that I GRADUATED! OH YEAH! Take that... what ever should take the fact that I graduated...

But, then came the summer, and I became jobless, as did Becky. So we did that for a while. Then I got a job at the corporate offices at a pizza company that happens to be in the area. The pay is crap, and I hate it, but it's a job... wait, that seems wrong... Oh well. Becky also got a job, and it paid her a butt-ton of money. But first they were like, "Hey, this job is in Ann Arbor!" GREAT! Then they were like, "Well, actually it's moving to Ann Arbor, you may have to spend a few weeks going to Adrian while they finish our office." Oh, well, that's ok I guess. Then there were all, "JUST KIDDING, we're actually going to need you to go to OHIO for most the week. But only for about 3-4 weeks." So we were all, well that sucks, but it's only a few weeks.... Two months later, the job actually moved to Ann Arbor, and complained that she wasn't dedicated enough... Right...

But her boss was a psychotic succubus-chupacabra hybrid. By the way, that's an actual picture of her, I think from the company BBQ, or maybe it was from her name badge... I don't recall. In short, she made me use words to describe her that I don't use. Perhaps I'm being to vague. What I'm trying to say is I hate that stupid ho-bag-bitch-son-of-a-whore-*&^@&^* Then, to make it better she ruined all my vacation plans. But hey, Becky lost that job, so that's better... wait a minute, that seems wrong... Oh well, now I don't have to hate that stupid ho-bag-bitch-son-of-a-whore-*&^@&^* for being irritating. Instead I can hate that stupid ho-bag-bitch-son-of-a-whore-*&^@&^* for the loss of Becky's job. Not really, because that job sucked, and something better will come.

Ok, so that's all the update you get today. Off to bed... I SAID GO TO BED! No, do what you want, I'm not your mother. If I were I'd be disappointed that you never call me and for all you know I could be dead in a ditch, but whatever, you have your "own life to live" so what do I care, I only gave birth to you, raised you, put you through college, why should I expect anything from you that even resembles a relationship... See, aren't you glad I'm not your mother? Though she does have a point, you never call... And for all you know I could be dead... and blogging from beyond the grave... Whatever, I don't even want to talk to you anymore anyway.

Wait, what just happened? OH, yes, that's the end of this blog! However, look forward to exciting things such as impressions of the Lincoln and Washington Memorial, The Presidential Box at the Kennedy Center, A bird named Lola, A Popcorn Machine and not trusting your Asian eye doctor on account of what happened a Pearl Harbor. Yes, this and more will be posted soon. Also, there's something weird about those horses outside of P,F, Changs. Let's just say, something would be a lot like a playdoh fun factory if they were real horses.