How I Met Your Mother

Alright, I'm going to say right now that there will be spoilers-a-plenty in this blog post, so if you haven't watched the episode, and you don't want to know what happened until you do, then you should stop reading now and go watch it.  So now I'm going to give you some time to not get spoiled by accidentally seeing what I have to say.

****Spoiler Alert: Hermione's a dude!****

****Spoiler Alert: Sam kills Frodo!****

****Spoiler Alert: He shoots his eye out!****

****Spoiler Alert: Ned Stark's bastard son knows nothing!****

****Spoiler Alert: The creepy disused fairground owner was the ghost!****

****Spoiler Alert: Hermione's a dude!****

Alright, I'm going to assume that I've used up enough space that someone won't just accidentally see what I have to say about How I Met Your Mother's final episode.  What it really should have been called was How I Disappointed Our Viewers...  How I Ruined Your Ending...  How I Was A Major Disappointment...

Here's the thing, they were building up to the mother being dead for quit some time.  They had left enough clues that it was clear by the time Ted was telling this story she was dead and gone and that was sad enough.  To have Ted finally meet his perfect match, the person he was looking for, to have it very clear that they were fated to meet and then to have her die is probably the worst possible ending you could come up with.  Or that is what I thought going into this episode. 

The problem isn't that they killed her though.  That wasn't really a big deal.  It was tragic, it was sad, it was not the ending I wanted from a show called "How I Met Your Mother", I could have lived with that ending, if they had just stopped it there.  But they didn't stop it there, they went forward and decided that this entire story wasn't really about how he met their mother, it was about Robin.  It was about how he met Robin, and how it never worked, and the timing was off, and how in the end the timing was finally right and he wanted to see how they'd feel about him dating her now that their mother was gone (a respectable six years later). 

That make the whole perfect match with The Mom kind of cheap.  Like it was just filler for them to get to the point that he could be with Robin, despite the fact that they never worked.  I also am not pleased that the entire last season was a build up to ROBIN and BARNEY'S wedding only to find out that after a couple of years they just split and Barney reverted back to the kind of sleezy womanizing Barney.  It just doesn't feel right, it doesn't seem like that's what the characters would have done.  They had grown into better people, to have them revert back to pretty much the beginning of the show seems lame and poor story telling.

And if they want to claim this is always the plan, well it was a stupid plan.  Perhaps the plan laid out nine years ago isn't the plan that they should have continued with.  Things change and evolve, so sticking to some plan that really doesn't seem to fit anymore is stupid.  Further if the claim is the show was about growing up and moving on past obstacles in the road, I don't feel it did that either.  Ted finally realized that Robin wasn't the one for him, he moved on, he found the right match.  To have him backslide to Robin is just poop.

I'm not happy with this ending at all.  I think this may go down as the worst ending of a television show that I have seen.  Zero starts.  No thumbs up... in fact so terrible we've surgically altered every thumb in the world to point down for now until forever on account of how terrible this was.


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I think after this winter, this screen shot of my weather app requires no caption. 

Movie Sunday: Muppets Most Wanted

Well, today we got up and went straight to the theater to catch a showing of Muppets Most Wanted.  We actually had planned on seeing this last week the day after we saw Divergent, but because we ended up out late we decided we would rather sleep in than go to the movies and that we'd go see it this weekend instead. 

Now, I love the Muppets, and I thought the last Muppet movie was ok.  I think that I found this one to actually be a little bit better.  I felt like it had a story/plot that was just a lot more fun.  The whole "getting the gang back together" isn't all that exciting, but a plot where there is actually something going on was much better.  As a disclaimer, it's been a while since I saw the last movie, so I may be remembering it wrong, but from what I can remember, I only thought it was ok.

So in addition to the plot being stronger, I also enjoyed all the crazy little celebrity cameos.  It wasn't like one or two, it was a substantial number of famous actors showing up for just a quick scene.  They may only have a second or two on screen, they may only have one line, but it was fun to see them pop into the movie.  I also have to say for the larger characters, Ricky Gervais, Tina Fey and Ty Burrell were great. 

It probably won't be surprising but some of my favorite parts were the exchanges between Ty Burrell, who played an Interpol agent, and Sam Eagle who was from the CIA.  Ty was French and I loved all the little jokes about how he was always going on break, or how his day was over in the early afternoon, or how he had his eight week vacation.  They just cracked me up.  I mean, I'm a huge Sam Eagle fan, so like I said, it wasn't surprising.

So, I as a review I really enjoyed the movie.  I thought it was very funny, it had a lot of good old fashion Muppet humor, there were some wonderful cameos, and all in all it was a good time.  I'd say it's probably at least a Full Price Matinee rating, or possibly a Full Price But Not Opening Night rating.

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In honor of the Muppets, I give you pictures from the day that we came home to find muppest all around the house.  Animal was in the coat closet, Fozzy was in the pantry.  Gonzo and Piggy were on the ledge overlooking the foyer.  Though, Gonzo doesn't look so good in that pictures.  He may want to get that checked out.  It actually kind of amazes me that they can't make plush animals look like the real thing, since the real thing is a PUPPET!

Boring Weekend

Today was rather boring.  We didn't have anything planned that we needed to do.  We hung out with Scott last night and had nothing on the books for this evening.  In the end I decided to do some laundry and we ended up watching a ton of back logged Tivo stuff.  I'm happy to say that I'm caught up on Survivor, Parenthood, and Agents of Shield.  Survivor we were five episodes behind, Parenthood wasn't that bad, and Shield we hadn't watched in ages.

The upside is that I got all the laundry done tonight so I won't need to do it tomorrow.  The down side is that it turned out to be a very boring Saturday.  I also started to feel stressed out as I was hanging up my laundry because I usually do that on Sunday night not long before bed, so I got that dreadful feeling that I had to work tomorrow.  So that was fun.


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This is an older picture, but i was scrolling through my phone and saw it, and thought I'd post it because it amuses me.  These are the pink flamingos that my Gran has in her front yard.  It's kind of silly and weird.  But it amuses me to see them.

Run For It

Today was my third day this week that I got back into running.  Nothing major this week, just a couple of mile runs to see how I'm doing.  I was actually surprised because I haven't run since October, but my time was practically the same and my stamina didn't seem to go down any.  I'm not saying I'm running fast, but I'm saying I expected things to be far worse.

Next week it's supposed to be a bit warmer, so I may go for some longer runs if it isn't freezing out.  It was a pain in the ass on Monday because it was so cold that it hurt to inhale so that kind of sucked.  Today was much better, but it was also considerably warmer.  I'm considering signing up for a 5K, but we shall see how it all goes.


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Every time someone comes to our office for a business meeting from Asia we end up with some sort of strange treat in the kitchen.  These were kind of like little cream puffs.  They weren't so bad actually, though it seemed like there was a lemon variety and a cream variety and I wasn't aware of that.

GTFO

You have got to be fucking kidding me.  I don't even think I can deal with today, today.  Of all the nonsensical bullshit that could ever happen, this was not even on the radar.  It's lovely when complete and utter fuckery pops up out of nowhere.  I'm going to go punch some kittens.


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I ended up with a free sandwich because there were left over from a meeting.  This is apparently the Panera Mediterranean Veggie sandwich.  It basically was lettuce, onion, tomato, cucumbers, and feta cheese with I think some olive oil on a tomato bread.  It was actually really good considering I don't love Panera.

Paths

I feel like I'm stuck in a situation that I don't even know which way to go to get to where I want to be.  It probably doesn't help that where I want to be is anywhere that's not where I am, and isn't worse than where I am.  That makes it hard.  I've got all these different paths I could go down, but I don't know which one is right, and I don't know if any of them will really take me anywhere.  It's really annoying and frustrating. 

I started down one path, but it seems that while it will take me somewhere, I don't know when I will arrive, or if I will since it seems some of the path is out.  Then there are other options, but it may just bring me back around in a circle back to the same place I am now.

So then I'm just kind of paralyzed with too many options, without good information on any of them so who knows if I should even bother with any of them.  It's rather overwhelming.

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Marathon lectures tonight.  We were out two weeks ago on account of snow, which was great for my need to study more for my midterm exam, however now I have three hours of lecture.  The lectures are all done on PowerPoint, with absolutely no color or graphics.  It's 75 slides of black text on white background.  The guy is mildly amusing, so he really could have a much better lecture if he's just add a bit to what he's got going on.  Just a suggestion.

Squid Of Anger

Today didn't start out too well.  At this point I'm feeling quite a bit better but this morning was rough and I was not very happy at all.  The early part of the week stresses me out and makes me very anxious and unhappy.  Today that was hitting me harder than usual.  I felt like nothing was right, and was very annoyed and unhappy.  It takes a lot of distraction to get rid of that, but distractions are also counter productive to the things that I'm trying to do.

I'm not one to say that everything has to be easy in life.  Things can be hard, and that's ok.  But why is it that everything has to be so fucking hard?  Even things that shouldn't be challenging are challenging.  It's like someone set the level to "god mode" and expected me to be just fine all the time about it.  There are very few things that are at an acceptable level, and most things are on the border of not even being worth the hassle.

An expected and acceptable level of difficulty for a job would be to find something else, or go to school to get new skills.  For me I get to have no one call me back, no interviews, no opportunities, and when I try to go to school to get a new skill, I end wasting my time because they won't offer classes at a time that will work, or they offer so few classes that a six course program will take three years to complete.

I've had enough of all of it.

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No caption necessary.

Backward And Forward

Generally my outlook on problems, issues, and disagreements is to look forward.  A lot of people it seems want to look at what happened, to work off of that and to act based on what has already happened.  I'm not like that because that part really doesn't matter.  The past has happened. It's over and done so getting stuck in it really doesn't seem like a productive use of time.

I tend to look forward into what I want the solution of a problem to be.  What my goal is, what I want to happen, the final outcome that I'd like.  Then I act according to that eventuality rather than from what has already happened.  I think this might be why people get the impression that I "let people walk all over me" because I don't spend time battling out the past of what happened.  I have no use for discussing or arguing over what already is past, and just want to get to what the goal is.  Because of this I often don't spend much time debating things or trying to argue points.  An example was a disagreement of car use where I expected something and that wasn't what happened.  Rather than spending a lot of time and energy discussing what happened and how annoyed I was, which will just lead to more resistance I said that part doesn't matter what matters is that this is the rule, the rule has now been established, and I expect it to be followed.

I think it's dangerous to spend too much time looking back over what happened and how angry it made you.  It becomes and echo chamber that just intensifies the negative emotions and bounces it right back at you.  So before you know it you back yourself into a corner because you've been taking actions based off of what did happen, which didn't make you happy, rather than taking actions based on what you want to happen.  If someone has wronged me, taking a position like that will just lead to the other person digging in and then responding in a defensive manner.

Instead if I just look at the situation and the outcome I would like to happen and then ask if what I'm doing now, or the position I'm taking now is going to help me achieve that outcome.  If the answer is no, then I shouldn't be doing it.  If the answer is yes, then I should continue.  Of course there are occasions when I haven't been able to do this, but my goal is to do so because in the long run getting a positive outcome is better than holding on to anger, even if it is justified.  It's possible to say "I've been hurt by this, but we need to move forward."  It can be hard to stop and realize that you are mad, but that the anger is actually counter productive to what you want because it will make you respond with anger and shut down any possibility of working things out. 

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Someone moved the chair in my lobby to face a different way. I think someone was using the glass table as a desk or something, and then they just didn't put the chair all the way back.  I haven't changed it back yet either.  Perhaps I should.  Maybe it fits there nicely.  I mean it compliments the lamp that doesn't work.

Getting Nothign Done

Today was one of those days where you don't get much done, but before you know it the whole day is gone.  Sunday is usually a day where we have a lot of stuff to do.  We go do our grocery shopping, I do the laundry for the week, we do some cleaning, I may do some homework or other work, then we end with me folding laundry and watching our Sunday night shows.

Well tonight when I went to bed the towels hadn't made it out of the washer, we only watched one of our shows, and we really didn't get much of anything done.  Part of that was spending two hours at dinner (plus travel time).  I did get one project done, which was nice.  We ordered some new prints for frames that our outdated.  We had a frame with baby pictures of the niece and nephews, but they are now much older so we ordered some new things from Snapfish.  So I guess that's a win since it's been on my list of things to do for a few months now.

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Fluffy, with sharp vicious fangs, a goddamn work of art.  She was snoozing on the couch enjoying the sun.  Every morning when I get up she's usually waiting at the stairs and comes down and lays around watching me work out.  She's actually become quite affectionate lately, though nothing near like Norbert was.

Movie Day: Divergent

Last night we almost went to see a full price evening movie, but instead Becky had to go home and work so we went this morning instead to see Divergent.  Divergent is the first in a three part series of books about a girl in a dystopian future where everyone is divided up into factions and those factions relate to your personality and jobs and all that kind of stuff.  I read the three books knowing the movie was going to come out so that I could have them done before seeing it.

I actually really enjoyed the movie, though I wonder about the following movies as I felt the books got progressively worse as they went on, so I don't know how the movies will go.  In any case, they were able to leave the ending open enough for the next movie if this one does well, or closed enough that they just went into the sunset and that's enough closure if you need that sort of thing.  It's often a gamble with these books to movies that they will not go well and then there will be no sequels.  A perfect example of that was the Eragon series.  Though that series ended kind absurdly, so I'm ok with that decision.

In terms of Divergent, I felt they did a good adaptation to what the book did, there were some changes, but I actually felt that as a movie the changes enhanced the story rather than take away from it.  Generally I thought there was some really good casting, though I had a hard time hating Marcus when I saw that Ray Stevenson was cast because I have really liked him since he was on Rome.  I also liked the look of Eric, I mean sure he looked like a tattooed up version of Macklemore, but I think it fit what they were going for.

I also thought they had really good pacing through out the movie.  It wasn't a short movie, but it didn't feel like it was dragging too much as it went.  It moved right along and kept the story going.  I would say that as movies go it was pretty good, told the story, didn't get too bogged down in the details, and changed enough to make it work as an adaptation.  I'd give this a full price matinee rating.

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I saw these at the grocery store today and the only thing I could think of was the Bob Cats from The Oatmeal.  I don't know that I'd actually enjoy these so I didn't buy them, but they were amusing to me, so here they are.

The Mystery Solved

I am the point of contact for all shipments into our building, and sometimes I get stuff for people I don't know.  Generally it's easy to figure it out, because usually someone knows the person even if I don't.  However, that wasn't the case with a package I got early last week.  I didn't know the person and neither did anyone else.  So it's been sitting here and I've been unsuccessful in finding the owner.  Well today that person walked up and asked if I had a package for him.  The mystery is solved!  I'm just glad the box is out of my way.  it's the little things, apparently.

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I'm annoyed that the camera didn't do these carrots justice.  The darker looking ones were actually quite purple, and the lighter ones were kind of yellow. They all look orange in the picture.  Anyhow, I hadn't seen these before so I thought it was fun.

No Drama

It always amuses me when people who like to talk about cutting all the drama out of their lives, and removing people who are negative from them are sometimes the most negative and centers of conflict.  I see this in some specific interactions I have.  They claim that they need to cut people out who are bringing them down or whatever, but they are the ones that are perpetuating the drama.  They are the ones that can't actually move on, so instead they "cut it out" and then dwell on it forever.  I don't think they can even see that the source of drama in their life is actually them, not those around them. 

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This is a kind of Parmesan like cheese that we had a while back but haven't been able to find in ages.  We usually get it at Whole Foods, and they carried a number of other varieties of it, but not this specific kind.  Well, we ended up at the other Whole Foods and they had a huge pile of it in their cheese section so of course we had to get some!  It was just as good as I remember.

Unrelated

Tonight I had a midterm in one of my classes.  My other class was kind enough to not give midterms, so that was nice.  I'm not really all that happy with the midterm because I don't feel it really had much relation at all to the material, or to the projects.  It's like we have a class where you have the reading and lecture material, you have the assignments, and you have the exams, and none of them are connected and only vaguely related to each other.  I don't feel the lectures do much at all to relate to the assignments.  The test doesn't relate to the assignments very much either.

I also find that I'm very critical of tests and teaching methods.  I don't feel our instructor is really all that great of a teacher.  His tests have low level questions on them that really don't matter at all in any sense of what the class is about.  It would be like me teaching a history class and quizzing students on how many pence are in a British Pound on our lectures about World War II.  Yeah, I might have mentioned it for context, but it isn't something that I should test them on because it really doesn't relate at all to the material.  The only relation is that understanding the currency used and so when a cost is referenced you have an idea. 

I really have not enjoyed this class at all, and it's been that way since the start and only gotten worse as I've gone. The problem is the same instructor teaches the next level class too, so it's not even like this is going to get better as it goes.  The other instructor I really like, and the method he uses works well and I feel like I'm actually learning something. 

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Take a look at that old money!  We ended up with an old $20 bill and I thought I'd take a little picture of it.  It's kind of weird to see it.  I don't remember when they did the switch over, but the older money was certainly a lot more ornate.  It's also interesting that they switched form the south side to the north side of the White House.  Anyhow, I thought this was fun, so it's the picture of the day!

Classes

Tomorrow registration opens for the fall semester, and I have to kind of figure out what I'm going to do.  The college changed the format of the classes so now at most I can take two classes a semester, which is really not all that helpful.  It will also mean it's going to take forever to finish the program I'm doing now, so I don't even know if there's much point in continuing.  I don't know I haven't really decided.  Part of the reason I was doing this was so I could find something else to do in terms of work, but if it's going to take me two years it will do nothing to solve my problems.  It's an eight class course, it should take two semesters tops, but at two classes a semester it'll take at least four semesters.  And next semester there is only ONE class I can take because they don't have many available, so you're talking even more time.

I've also considered working on my masters so I can keep my teaching certificate, but that seems like a waste of money since clearly I'll never teach.  Then it occurred to me to get certified in another subject, and I always wanted to teach science but the classes never fit my schedule so I couldn't.  I checked EMU and I could pretty easily get a degree in biology or physics, though chemistry would be difficult.  So, I don't know.  I'm once again stuck in a place where I have no idea where to go or what to do because none of these options will do anything to solve my current problems, and some of them will add significant student debt to what I already have.

Mer.  It's all stupid.

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Good morning, and goodbye to the snow.  Took this when I got into work because all the snow that was there a few days/weeks ago has disappeared.  I'm not sad to see it go, but as you can see there is still some across the street.  Our ice wall in our yard has nearly all gone too.

Down Time

Apparently this is the 9th week of classes, which means there are only six more to go.  I had no idea we had moved around so quickly, but sure enough we're nearly two thirds of the way through the semester.  However, I've noticed that pretty much I've fallen into a schedule where I have no extra time except for Friday-Sunday, and even those days I've got a lot going on because I have to catch up on things that didn't get done, or do homework/projects.

I think what bothers me most is that I have some other projects I want to work on, or need to start focusing on and I could just use a bit more time.  Today after working on homework, I spent the rest of the night working on theatre projects.  I did end up with 30 minutes to watch How I Met Your Mother and Adventure Time.  I'm glad I don't have to waste what little down time I have watching commercials.

I think I also could use a trip somewhere, but I'm on a very big stingy kick where I don't really want to spend any money at all.  It's been good for our finances, but bad for my desire to go places.

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We made pizza last night for dinner, and i don't often do a very good job at getting them nice and round, they're usually quite misshapen.  Mostly it doesn't matter much because who is going to see it, and I'm trying to make multiple things and don't have time to make it all perfect.  Well last night I ended up with a pretty round pizza.  It was also delicious.  Look at all those wonderful mushrooms!

Peter Pan

Over the years I've worked with a lot of students, and it's interesting to observer them as they progress from young high school students, into college, and now some of them have made it to post college lives or grad school.  However, I'm starting to notice this recurring theme of how hard it is to be an adult and make that transition, and I'm really not sure I understand where it comes from or why it exists.

Perhaps I'm just going off my own experience and the experience of those I was around who were also going through it, but I don't recall anyone ever complaining about having to be an adult.  I don't recall people getting all bent at having responsibilities as if they are somehow being unfairly treated.  I don't remember anyone really ever talking about anything like that.  People just did what they had to do.  We got jobs, we worked, we had to not do some things because we may have class or work.  We had to schedule classes, balance our work schedules.  Yeah, sometimes it was hard an a pain in the ass, but the complaining was always that it was a pain in the ass, but never was it that being an adult was hard.

I hear this a lot now, that being an adult is too hard.  Complaints about how you're expected to do all this stuff and how hard it is and how someone should give them a break.  Now I know this is already on the verge of being a "back in my day" post, but the truth is that college students today have more tools than any other generation previously had.  Information is online anytime, phones have apps to help manage your calendars, connect with other students, there are ways to collaborate and share information.  They really have it easy, and the work load has not changed.  I was in college directly after high school, I went back years later, I'm in classes now to learn new skills.  I've seen the process and generally it has all remained the same.  The same level of work, the same expectations. 

So why the Peter Pan like resistance to growing up?  Why the paralyzing anxiety about growing up that is just so stressful.  I don't relate to it at all, and it's difficult to deal with people who are acting as if they're being asked to diffuse a bomb.  I was more than ready to get my drivers license, now there is resistance to this.  I had a job as soon as I was able so I could buy things I wanted.  I started working full time when I was 18.  For much of my college life it was 12+ credits a semester and 40 hours a week of work.  And maybe that's just me, but I managed to do my homework and not complain all the time about having to "be an adult". 

I don't get it.  It's annoying.  Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go yell at some kids to get off my lawn.

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All the animals were taking advantage of the warm sun coming in the windows.  I was in our bedroom and Errol was camped out on the floor, then this was Sam enjoying it in the dining area, and Fluffy was on the couch.  The only one not doing this was Ronan who insisted that sitting in my lap while I was trying to finish a report was the optimal location to sit.

Coping

Yesterday I got really ranty about some issues that have been pissing me off.  I don't usually talk about specific things like that, or what I think when other people tell me stuff like that, but I've been told I should so there you have it.  I don't want to make it out that I hate people who can see little things and life and be grateful and have that alter their day.  That's great that they're able to find that kind of peace, but I still stand by my feeling that they don't see much adversity if that's enough.  I don't talk about the things I deal with, the issues I deal with, or how I feel about them.  I generally don't talk about those things at all with anyone.  Perhaps that may be why people feel that some simple thing would make me all better and wonderful.

At the same time, opinions like that seem to me that they show a feeling that I do nothing except sit and brood.  That I don't have coping mechanisms that work or that I just sit back and helplessly do nothing when I could be doing something to try and mitigate the mood I'm in.  Sadly, with the moods I'm in, that is after I've already been using some sort of strategies, so imagine if I did nothing.  Since I talked about the idea of finding things to be grateful for, or silver linings, that is something I do.  I try to find some sort of positive or learning opportunity in all these things.  I had a shitty childhood, but I found things in it that I will know better with my kids, and found ways to learn from it, and found the good threads in the shitstorm, as an example.  I think about things that make me happy.  This one I do when I'm about to explode a lot.  It works especially well when I think about people I love.  I luckily have a number of people that I love that I can focus on and it does calm me down quite well.  I even have a list of people that depending on the anger will change who I focus on.  It's kind of like if I'm annoyed I could think of my dogs and the funny things they do, or if I'm REALLY annoyed I can think of puppy Ronan for added effect.

I try to think of things I want to do.  I plan a lot of things, trips, and events.  If I'm really in a mood I just go on this line of thought and it works to calm me down because I get so busy doing that I am able to forget my annoyance.  The bigger the trip and more involved it is the better it will work out because I'm going to be totally engrossed in what I'm doing.

If it's just a minor annoyance I can also do things like blog or watch my YouTube subscriptions.  Keeping busy is a good way for me to deal and let things go.  A good thing that seems to get my mind off it is some of the games I play online like Sudoku, "Scrabble", and I do have a bit of a thing for Pet Rescue and Candy Crush.  However, sometimes these methods pull me into a situation where I lose motivation to do anything, not just motivation to be angry.

Another option is exercise, though this can have weaker effects because sometimes working out is really annoying to me.  I think that could be because I get uncomfortable or hot and those are some of the triggers that make me really annoyed.

The point of all this is that there are a number of things I so to help me through the crap I was talking about the other day.  The problem is that there is just so much of it piling up that it's hard to keep up on it without getting buried.  Every day I spend so much time in a situation that isn't good for me, and the amount of time that I have to counteract that isn't enough to bring it to a level where I'm not annoyed most of the time.  It's kind of like this winter where it was always snowing, then super cold, then snow and then cold.  As a result of all that I had a huge buildup on the ice because I didn't have enough time to keep it at a level that was ok.

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They were so ready to go outside they actually sat down and waited for me to get all suited up.  That virtually never happens.  Look at them!  It's like little Oliver Twist asking for some more porridge. Also, the lighting was kind of weird so it almost looks like there's a strange filter, but nope.

Feelings

Last week, or maybe it was earlier this week, let's just go with the word earlier.  Earlier I wrote a blog regarding how I'm not doing too well, how I feel shitty, how things sucks and so on.  I don't usually talk too much about these things.  I have a method where I just process it and then let it go and leave it alone.  People think that I bottle it up, which that is not the case, I don't hold onto it, I just let it go. The problem is that I have the same problem 40+ hours a week.  Think of it kind of like the filter in your furnace: You can change it, but the dust is going to build right back up at the same rate because that's just how it is.

I spend a lot of my time distracting myself so I don't think about how much I hate things.  The problem is that it's always in my face and always reminding me how much I'm not happy and how much I don't want things to be the way they are.  I can't get away from it, and I don't have enough in my day to keep me from thinking about it.  So, the summary version here is that I have the same problems, I try to let it go but it's constantly rebuilding, and I have to try to distract myself so I don't think about it otherwise I'll get stuck in this hate loop because nothing I do seems to work and I'm stuck in this situation.

As it turns out I was watching a video and they referenced Rumination as something that can happen when you're in a bad spot, which I had never heard before so I looked it up and apparently it's when you focus your attentions on the symptoms of one's distress, possible causes and consequences, in a way similar to worry. It actually seems to fit how I feel a lot of the time.  I get stuck in this angry terrible mood because I can't get away from the things that bother me.  Every solution I come up with doesn't work out.  Every thing I do to try and change my situation doesn't work out.  I'm absolutely stuck where I am and it's so terrible frustrating.  So every day I'm sitting in that situation which triggers these terrible angry feelings and puts me into a terribly angry mood.  Then I come home and I have to try and reset.

The problem with all of this is that I'm always trying to find solutions but nothing is working.  I apply for jobs, I check all the time, but I get no interviews, I have no leads, I'm completely stagnating in a place I dislike with people I dislike doing work I dislike.  A coworker described the place we work as a toxic work environment, and she is totally right, though she managed to find a way out and I haven't yet.  But that's the situation I'm in.  I'm in a toxic environment that in addition to having to deal with terrible people and situations is also something that doesn't fulfill any part of my life goals or desires.  There is no positive benefit to what I go through except for the deposit I get every two weeks, and even that isn't reflective of my experience and expertise.

The problem is people don't seem to understand those points.  If I'm not distracted I focus on the things that are causing me to feel the way I do, it's all I can focus on and think about, so I understand very clearly the problems I have, and why I feel the way I do.  I know what I need to do to change that and get out of the situation but nothing I do is getting me out of it.  I know completely, and I'm so tired of hearing people tell me that I need to look on the bright side, be grateful of what I have, change my focus.  Those things will not help the situation.  I'm not going to suddenly be better because I write down all my happy feelings in a little journal.  I'm not going to magically find what I spend the majority of my life doing as a fulfilling wonderful career just because I sit down and list all the beauty, wonder, and gratitude I see every day.  I'm tired of being told that this is all my fault and I'm the one that's bringing me down and I shouldn't be feeling the way I do because puppies exist in the world.

I have a very clear understanding about what's important in life, and what I'm thankful for.  The problem is there are not many of those things.  Making lists about all these things are what people who don't have actual problems do.  If seeing some sunshine, having a nice meal, or some other nonsense is enough to outweigh the problems you face in a day, then clearly you aren't going up against much.  When you have actual heavy weights that you're carrying around little things like rainbows flying out of the asses of unicorns will do nothing to solve the problem or improve the situation.  I acknowledge the things I'm grateful for, I can name them at any given time.  I think about them whenever I'm about to lose my mind.  But they don't solve anything.  At best they keep me from completely losing it.  It's like a seat belt in an airplane.  It's going to keep me from flying into the bulkhead, but it's not going to save me from the rest of the crash, the fire, the smoke, or anything else.

I've gotten a bit ranty, but I'm just fed up with things.  I know people who use these methods, and if that works for them that's great and I'm so glad that they have a life where that works.  I don't criticize anyone from doing that.  But I am sick of hearing about how if only I did that then my problems would be solved and I'd feel better.  Newsflash, I do this every day.  Sitting in a vat of acid and feeling good because the sun is shining and the sky is blue isn't going to keep you from being eaten alive.

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I really hate the tile in the restrooms in our building.  Other than being terribly ugly, they also are in this random layout so you've got really weird spacing with the tan tiles and the yellow tiles.  Who does that.  It's just the worst tiling idea ever.  It's as if they started got lazy when they ran out of tiles and then found some so they threw them in.

Memory Loss

Somehow I accidentally deleted and app of of my phone.  I don't know what the app is that is no longer there, I just know that something is missing because the space it once resided in is now empty.  I think it may be a little bit disturbing that I have no idea what app is missing. I  mean, I don't have a ton of apps on my phone, and it was on an earlier page of apps which means it's one of my more important apps.  Yet, it's gone, and I have no idea what it was.  I think I can find out if I sync my computer to my phone, but I haven't gotten around to doing that.

How do you lose an app?

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These little bastardy shits are the locks on the tables in one of the conference rooms here.  Except they're solid plastic and break easily.  I now have at least half a dozen tables with at least one locked wheel that I can't get to unlock.  The tables now are a pain in the ass to move and make a terrible noise.

Bless You Snow

I know that I've been harsh about winter, and said that I'm ready for it to go.  I didn't know it was supposed to snow last night and today until someone mentioned it in class yesterday.  I mean, I looked at my weather app and it had a little snow flake, but I didn't know how much was coming and what I should expect until someone said we were supposed to get quite a bit.

Turns out it wasn't that bad.  It did snow, and we got a decent coverage, but it wasn't the worst snowfall of the year.  However, it was the most wonderfully timed of any of them because today I was supposed to have a midterm in one of my classes that I didn't feel totally comfortable about.  Well, the college closed today so it turns out I now have an extra week to prepare, which is so helpful.  I don't feel great about this class because I don't know exactly what we're learning, and how it relates to the activities and assignments.  It all seems kind of disjointed, so I don't know what I should be looking at for the exam.

Either way, thank you snow, for coming in and being decent for once. I'm so happy you gave me a night off and some extra time when I really needed it.

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There was an event and they had some little mini chocolate mousse things.  They were pretty tasty.

Please Die.

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This is pretty much how I feel about today.  Somehow I managed to contain the rage and hate, which is kind of amazing.

Would The Members Of The School Board

We started going back to school board meetings.  I think I'm finally over the worst of my feelings about how things went.  However, things aren't going well for the school, they are in a bad spot financially due to falling enrollment and terrible planning for the past eight years or so.  I've long thought that it's really weird how the board acts.  Many sit on their laptops, and I assume don't pay attention.  They rarely ask questions when things are presented to them.  In all the years I've been going I think I've only seen one no vote.  By that I mean I have only ever seen one person vote no on an issue once.

Well, tonight was a bag of firecrackers because not only did I see a no vote, I saw an issue get voted down. I think that has a lot to do with the new activists that have been coming to the recent meetings let by a former school board member.  They are angry at the way things are going, and they have no problems telling people so.  One of the group actually called for the resignation of the superintendent, another made it clear that they shouldn't feel comfortable in their seats when the next election comes around.

I'm actually really loving it because for too long I've seen a board that isn't responsive to the people.  A district that isn't held accountable and sweeps any dissent under the rug until it goes away.  Well it's clear with these people that it isn't going anywhere.  Their voices will be heard and I think the meetings are going to get far more interesting in the future.  They have questions, they want answers and they aren't taking any shit.  This is what I want to see.  Not all leaders are the man, but when they become the man, you have to stand up and fight them.

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I had to escort a guest to a building next door but I decided to take the tunnel when I went over to check on the location so I knew where I was going.  I've never been in the tunnel, so that was fun.  it's kind of creepy, but it seems like a good place in the event of severe weather.

Cheap Movie: The Lego Movie

We decided to get up early and see The Lego Movie, since everyone is saying how good it is and how clever it is.  Turns out it was pretty good, and it was kind of clever on quite a few things.  I was a big fan of Legos when I was little, I enjoyed the castle sets and had a ton of castles, Robin Hood, and then added in some pirates.  So there were quite a few jokes that people who played with Legos would relate to, which I thought was fun.

Overall, this is a kids movie, but it seems all kid friendly movies there were a load of jokes that adults could appreciate.  I especially liked Batman, as well as the surprise appearance by another set of themed Legos that were mostly voiced by the actual actors.  I won't spoil it because it was a fun little surprise to have them just show up.

They had a good deal of well known actors doing the voices, which but it wasn't like some movies where they find the most famous person ever and put them in.  Instead they seemed to go the Pixar route and pick the people that fit the characters.  This always seems to work best, so I'm glad they decided to do it.  Over all, I thought the movie was fun, had some good laughs in it.  If that's what you're looking for I say give it a go.  I'd give this a full price matinee rating.

In related news, there were a lot of kids in our showing since it was early morning, but they were all so funny.  We followed a dad and daughter out of the theatre and they had a fun chat about what their favorite parts of the movie were and why. 

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Picture of the day is my stupid thumb ruining my "hey I went to a movie" picture.  Also, the previews were not very memorable.

Gifts From Mexico

My grandma got back from Mexico earlier this week, and so we went over so I could get her photos for her off her camera and e-mail them to my uncle who wanted to see them.  It was neat to see all the places she went, the scenery, and some silly pictures of her.  I'm actually really glad that she went because in all my life I can't remember her really going anywhere.  I believe she went to Florida when I was quite young, and then of course she came to visit us in Virginia and went to Florida again for our wedding.  But in the end over the 33 years I've been alive that's only a few places.  I mean, I had to help her get her passport, which I think is awesome!

On the other hand it seems some people in my family haven't been so happy about this because she went with the uncle who they hate.  I get it, they don't like their siblings, but I'd like to point out for a moment that they have no right to be annoyed that she's talking to her own son.  Sure he hasn't been around, and he cut her off, but at the same time my sister did the same thing to my mom.  I don't believe there would even be a nanosecond of hesitation if she suddenly decided they could be family again.  My mom would jump on that in a heartbeat.  I think it's bullshit for her to be annoyed by it at all when she would do the same thing.

This leads me to the larger issue I'm having in that my family is being a bag of shitsticks about things.  Everyone is being a touchy butt plug and I've just about had enough of it.  Oh no, we have to be in the same room, eat a meal, and give each other gifts.  I don't understand why everyone has to be pissy.  I don't like being around them because it's always too painful.  I don't see why everyone has to get like that.  It's instant hostility and you can feel the tension.  If that's how it is going to be, then why bother.  Might as well just pretend we're all orphans and live our lives. 

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My grandma brought back some neat bowls for us from Mexico.  She had a number of them and we got to pick which one we liked.  I thought this one was pretty, so we decided to go with it.  My gran seemed quite happy that she got to bring something to us, and mentioned the gift we got her when we went to Paris.  It's kind of neat to have her bring me something from a country I've never been to, but she has.

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From a distance as Becky was pulling them out of the bags I thought that they were ceramic, but in fact they are a very shiny polished wood, with the flowers painted on.  I'm not sure we'll put anything in it, and may just keep it as a decoration.  It's a nice little gift from Mexico.

Stuff And Things

It's probably pretty easy to tell if you've read my blogs that I've been feeling pretty shitty lately.  I mean, I generally have a level of meh to me but this has been particularly noticeable.  A friend of mine said that most likely it's even worse than I let on but I just keep it to myself.  This is probably true.  And I do keep it to myself because I don't want to hear what other people think or say about how I'm feeling.  I feel how I feel and I don't care for anyone's arm chair psychology, or opinions on what I need to do.  I also don't want to have to justify my feelings, or contextualize, it's all just too much work so I keep it to myself for the most part.  Perhaps a good analogy would be like an iceberg.  The relevant stuff I share is visible, and the rest is under water.  At the same time I also always feel like I'm being selfish or monopolizing the conversation when I talk about myself.  It makes me feel too self centered when I should be asking more questions or seeing how others are. 

Well, tonight in an effort to make me feel better Becky decided that since Alexa was home for spring break, that we should get dinner with her, as well as Jasmine, Keely and Michele.  So, while Becky was getting her physical therapy I picked up Alexa and had a lovely conversation with her as we drove home, and then we all met up and headed to Benihana.  it was a good time, a lot of fun, and the food was delicious.  Keely managed to embarrass herself by doing a strange face/head motion just as the busboy was looking at her so they made eye contact and it was probably one of the funniest things I've seen in a while.  He was a good sport about it and decided to give her a hard time when he returned to take some more dishes, and walked away in mock hurt.

It was a good night, and I'm glad I got a chance to do something that allowed me to relax and not think about all the things that bother me.  It's good to be around people who are fun and laugh and have a good time without any of the awkward or passive aggressive nonsense that I sometimes have to deal with.  It was also good to be around people, and people who care about me.  I've been feeling very isolated lately.  I don't hear from people often, we haven't been getting together too often, there's been school, and school board meetings, and all sorts of other things.

There's something very different about it when people who care about you ask how you are.  A lot of people say "how are you doing" but it's just a formality.  It's just something you say to someone when you haven't seen them in a while.  But when someone really cares they ask and it's different.  You can tell that they care and want to know.  It's also different because you can say how you really are instead of some dance of the "oh good, work has been a monster lately, and trying to get around to little Timmy's soccer has been quite the struggle! response.

So I guess the summary of all of this is I'm happy for today.  I'm happy I got to spend some time with Alexa.  I'm happy I got to have dinner with my friends/family.  I'm happy I got to laugh and have a good time. 



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Just making some faces.

Glaciers

It's been a bit warmer and sunny so the snow is melting quite a bit.  It also seems like it's sliding down the front yard.  Does snow do that?  Does it move like a glacier sometimes?  For example the large pile of snow that is at the edge of the drive seems at least a foot further down the lawn that it was when I went to work. 

I'm happy to see the snow going, but the grass under it looks pretty beat up.  It's also very soggy and now that the snow is gone I'm seeing TONS of rabbit poop everywhere.  This actually explains why the dogs have been weird about sniffing around and being very particular about where they go.

I'll be glad when everything is green again.

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Well look at that!  The sun is once again high enough in the sky to properly shine the sun dial shadow.  I'm thrilled by this.  It also means I'm not blinded every morning from 8:45-9:15.  Thanks, Earth tilt.

Updated

Well, it's been another month so it seems appropriate to update where things stand on the goals front.

Goal Number One - Get A New Job: Yeah, nothing going on for this.  Nothing on the horizon, it's just a continued NOTHING!  If something doesn't come soon I will go insane and burn the world down.

Goal Number Two - Read At Least 12 Books: I am up to five texts so far for the year, four of them are novels, one is a play.  I finished The Casual Vacancy in January, so in the past month I read Divergent, Insurgent, Allegiant, and Macbeth.  I just started The Odyssey, which seems like it may take a bit of time to get through.  It's not bad, it's just not a fast read like the others.

Goal Number Three - Go Out West: No travels so far this year, but this is still high on my to do list.

Goal Number Four - Be Consistently Active:  I suck at this.  I haven't felt up to getting out of bed lately, so it's very hard for me to get up and be active.  I can't really go outside because there's a foot of snow everywhere, and the treadmill is still broke.  I'm trying to get my steps in for the day which shows that I move more, but it's very hard right now.

Goal Number Five - Digitize My Photos: Haven't done anything on this yet, but I'm starting to schedule out my time better so I should have some movement here soon.

Goal Number Six -  Have Seven New Experiences: Nothing new yet.

Goal Number Seven - No movement here either.  I should really do something this month so I can report back.  Gotta fill those to do lists so I do stuff.

So there you go, a brief update of what the what is going on with my goals.


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Hooray!  I got my replacement UP band in the mail today.  I had to let it charge and I have to set it up again, but I'm back in business.  This one buzzes a lot more aggressively.

Bunch Of Flowers

Nothing going on today, so just a picture.

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Got Becky some flowers and I think they look quite lovely.  I wish they had a lovely rose smell, but alas, they don't.  But at least they look nice.

Alls

At work today someone said "alls I'm saying..." and that really just drives me insane.  What exactly are you trying to say?  You generally wouldn't follow "all" with "is" so what exactly is going on when people say alls?  In that situation the person was saying, "all that I'm saying is.." so where in the world is that extra s coming from? 

I don't know why it annoys me so much, but it's really just awfully annoying.

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I started my next book of the year, I believe this is actually book number six for the year, which is amazing since it's just now March.  I will say the Divergent series was really quick, but still it's quite the pace I've got going.

Spring

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I'm really sick of winter.  I mean really this one has dragged on forever.  It's been quite enough to be going on with and spring is welcome anytime.  I always feel like things are supposed to get nice and warm and things starting to bud up in March.  Perhaps it's some link to Virginia which is a few weeks ahead of us?  I don't know, I just don't really feel like dealing with the cold and the nasty any longer.  It's getting better, at least it's not in the negatives with terrible wind chills, but it's still not spring.

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Becky got me a few shirts, so that's fun.  I wore this one under my sweatshirt of the same style.  DFTBAception.

In Like A...

I remember in kindergarten, on the first day of March we made little puppets using brown paper lunch bags.  We made two, one was a lion that we used construction paper or something like that.   The other was a lamb where we used cotton balls and glued them on.  I remember there was something along the lines of March will come in like a lion and out like a lamb or the other way around, depending.

I also recall the shape on the wall that we were using to count the days of school were shamrocks for March.

For some reason I always think of that when March approaches.

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I finally found some of this and had a chance to try it.  They need to make this a permanent flavor because it's so freaking good!  For real, get your shit together and make this more widely available.