The Great Malaise

Back in 1979 President Carter gave what became known as the "Malaise Speech" about how the country was feeling.  I don't think he ever said the word malaise, but that's what it became known as.  He talked about how there was a crisis in confidence, that the mood of the country was off (or perhaps as they say today the vibes were off).  It actually was a pretty decent speech and at first there was some positive reaction to it.  The problem is that a few days later he fired like all his cabinet or something and that kind of demoralized people and made them feel like things weren't actually going so well.  Unfortunate mistakes that could have taken things in a different direction and avoided the terrible outcome the following year that gave us the disaster of Reagan. 

I think I've been feeling a bit of a malaise myself.  Just a generalized feeling of ill-being that I can't exactly pinpoint.  It probably has many factors.  The summer is winding down, I've got a bunch of people wanting me to do things, my social situation is basically nonexistent, there have been big changes to the realm of hobbies that have left me feeling dissatisfied.  It's not one big thing, but rather a bunch of little nothings that result in a general "blah" if you will. Nothings specifically wrong, I don't feel specifically bad, everything is fine. It's just blah fine.

Sometimes I joke with my students when they ask me if I would be anything, what would I be?  I always says a malevolent genie. This throws them because first, they don't know what half of those words mean.  But also, they're like, "what?! WHY!?" and I get to tell them that no one ever said I was nice.  Then I give them examples like "what would you wish for" and they'll say "to be rich" or "to be famous" and I'll say, ok, you got $1,000,000 but it's all in pennies or you're famous, but that's because you pooped your pants on live national television.  You know, they got what they want, but not really.  It's like wanting macaroni and cheese and you get the Meijer store brand.  Sometimes I feel like a lot of stuff I get is like that.  Like, oh this is what I want to do, and I get to do that but it gets to be extra hard, or exhausting, or subpar.  For example, enjoy doing this play but here's a bunch of asshole parents and entitled children who can't be told no or have any consequences ever so they're the literal worst.  

Things should be so fucking hard all the time.

This Is Fine

Often when people ask me how I'm doing I'll say "I'm fine." At times this had led to some conversations because the response will be like "obviously not, because of  *gestures broadly* so you couldn't possibly be fine."  But, I'll still insist that I'm actually fine.  Of course this brings to mind the comic of the dog sitting in a boring room saying this "this is fine" while being surrounded by flames.  Many people probably see this comic and are like "oh this dog is delusional or in denial" because obviously you can see all around him that the situation is not fine, everything is on fire and it's a terrible and awful situation.  However, I will contend that perhaps to the dog it is, in fact, fine.

That's because I think "I'm fine" or in the case of the This is Fine Dog that perhaps the meaning of "this is fine" or "I'm fine" means something different.  It means, "this is the usual and customary situation or feeling that is often present."  Another way I think about it is that when watching Star Trek TNG Data would often say that he was working within normal parameters.  This is fine to me means "within normal parameters."  The problem is that my normal parameters perhaps are much wider and includes a lot of things that some may see and think "that's not fine!" but because it's so common it becomes fine.  I've had a similar problem with my watch when I've been doing a lot of running and sometimes my heart rate shifts to a point where it doesn't log it as exercise anymore because the normal parameters shift to a different area that takes the rate that used to be considered exercise minutes and it doesn't cut it anymore.

It also make me think of the word snafu.  It's not a word that a lot of people use anymore as over the years it's become less and less common, but it's still used enough that most people know what it means.  It's when there's some like hiccup where something minor has gone wrong.  Oh now, we had a little snafu with the seating chart and didn't have enough seats for all the people who came to this conference (this actually happened this week at the event I was at).  Oh now, we've got a little snafu with the part, we've run out of ice and it's sold out at the nearest locations so we'll have to see if we can get it from somewhere else.  That seems to be how we're using it now.  According to Merriam-Webster a snafu is a situation marked by errors or confusion.  However, the word originated in the 1940s and was military slang.  Originally it was acronym that was used and popularized by World War II soldiers, and originally stood for "Situation Normal: All Fucked Up" though in some places they "cleaned it up" and changed fucked to fouled.  Basically it meant this is a normal situation, but unfortunately normal is fucked up.  Basically, this is fine, operating within normal parameters.

So really, all of this to say, maybe it is fine, but maybe that's because fine is what many might see as not fine.  It's really all about the scale and what's average, I suppose.

Anyhow, this blog is fine.

A Bit Rusty

I'm a tad out of practice when it comes to writing.  I've got thoughts but I don't know that I'm doing a very good job of being able to create a coherent argument and successfully converting it.  I suppose this makes sense as I don't write much any more so I can be a bit all over the place. I think that indicates that I should probably be writing more.  But, that's why I do have that goal of doing at least one post per week.  So perhaps if I'm writing more I can make more coherent posts.  Though I think one of the other factors is that I also haven't been spending a lot of time on it.  There were posts in the past that I would really gather information and treat it like a research paper.  This is just kind of word vomit.  So, I guess I'll need to get back in the swing of things.

Why Are We Here?

As you, dear imaginary reader who is likely my wife, may have noticed, I don't really post all that often.  I almost said "blog" just then, but I didn't because as has been well established that I don't like that word. There are a variety of factors that have kind of caused this, a lot of it is that I'm genuinely busy however I don't know that this is really the thing because at the end of every day there is a little time of just sitting around, usually watching something (often times something that we've seen before - for example currently we are rewatching The West Wing and the president is just about to disclose his MS and it's 18th and Potomac).  So there is time to do this, even if I'm somewhat distracted through whatever we are watching.  There are also times when I'm not sure why I keep this, what's the point of posting, what's the point of putting my thoughts out there? I guess that's always been a question, and it's a question for all types of social media. Perhaps while that's always been true, as I've gotten to be an old person maybe I'm questioning it more?  There was never a point, it's just what we do.

Also, I think I've had this idea that I used to post a lot and then I stopped doing that and then it really dropped off, but really from the last post when I was looking at the old blog stuff I always did this sort of thing where I'd post then I wouldn't post. So really, this is just how it's been.  Nothing really noteworthy here, just having some thoughts and posting them for no reason, as one does with social media.

I'm Doing My Best

I'm currently in a long-term disagreement, or perhaps debate, over the idea of people doing their best.  Generally, I'm not a fan of the phrase or the idea of "I'm doing my best" because it seems to me that far too often the fact of the matter is that they are not actually doing their best at all.  In fact, sometimes they aren't even doing anything at all. The issue I have is that when people say this, it's usually said as an excuse.  You can't be mad at me, I was doing my best.  You can't complain that I did a shit job, I was doing my best.  

Sometimes when this discussion comes up it has to do with some of the students that I have worked with in the past.  We discuss how they aren't doing well in school, and I say that they have so many missing assignments, how they don't study, they don't read, they don't do the work in class.  But then, who I'm having the debate with says, well maybe they're doing their best.  I flatly refuse that they are doing their best, because I point out that they aren't even trying at all, so it can't possibly be their best when it isn't even an attempt being made. We then devolve into discussing how they may have been raised, how they may come from a family who doesn't support education, and the laundry list of other struggles that these students may be facing. Thus coming from those kinds of backgrounds, then maybe they are doing the best that they can.  Again, I disagree.

That isn't the only area, there have been other examples that we have discussed about people who have don't a shitty job, and a similar format comes.  A list of their challenges, the things that made it hard for them. They grew up with these problems or they had issues with their parents, or who knows what all.  So because of that they are not just doing the best that they can.  But I don't think that you are doing your best, when there are better things you could have done and that you didn't do them.

I think that it reminds me of the debate I used to get into with the idea of predestination versus free will.  I think by saying that all these things in your past means anything you're doing is the best that you can implies that you don't have any agency in your life.  What other choice do you have, you are destined to act in a certain way, and what you're doing is the best that you could ever do given the circumstances. 

I think too often this is used as an excuse.  I'm sorry, but what do you expect, I have all these problems.  What else do you expect me to do? I was doing my best.  I think in the end it's a justification for not trying harder.  Why should I try harder, it's my best.  I'm just a victim of my circumstances, you can't be mad at me or hold me accountable for anything, it's not my fault!  I don't accept that.  We do have agency in our lives, and we make choices, and sometimes those choices are not our best.  If we accept this idea that circumstances will predetermine our best, then there is never a need to try harder, or even the possibility of trying harder because whatever shit you do is already your best.

Try harder, be better.

Being A Burden

Quite often in life, I feel as if I am a burden. Or perhaps not a burden, but a chore; something that you have out of obligation rather than by choice?  A situation where people go through the motions with me, but I get this nagging feeling that they'd rather not, or feel like they have to, for whatever reason.  I don't really talk about it much because it's not the kind of conversation that I'd usually want to have with people, or when I do it's about other people, and I'm told that I'm just being silly, or that of course that's not the case and I'm just letting my mind play tricks on me, etc. Also, as a disclaimer, I don't say this in a boo-hoo poor me sort of way, but rather that this is a fact of life that I am merely acknowledging.  

So how does one get to the conclusion that I have.  Well, I think there are a few pieces of data that lead to that conclusion. The first is the issue of communication. Quite often I have observed that the responsibility for communication is skewed in my direction. If I'm not the one reaching out, then I won't hear from many people until I decide to reach out again.  Now, I'm not talking like I'm looking for daily text exchanges, hours on the phone, FaceTime all the time kind of communication.  I'm talking, "Hey, I saw this trailer for a new movie I thought you'd like." or "Hey, just wanted to say hi, miss you, and hope you're well." Of course, you'd want to have a bit more interaction as time goes on, (which are also absent), but little things like that to show that you're being thought about unprompted, that you're not just out of sight out of mind until you show up and ask for attention.

Related to communication is that relationships do require face time.  Again, it's not something that needs to be done every day, for huge blocks of time. The occasional lunch or coffee meet-up.  Once in a while a bigger outing to some sort of event.  It also can be just low-key things like sitting around for drinks, or even running some sort of errand together.  There are lots of ways to get interactions, and it doesn't have to be elaborate, or even regular and scheduled, but it can't be nothing.  

Closely related to this, and also much like communication, it can't all be skewed in my direction. I can't be the only one making plans and setting things up.  This one I think about a lot because since COVID, I have been invited out by someone else four times, total.  That's an average of once per year. Of those four times, half of them were the same person.  Other than that, I've had to be the one to plan, invite, and coordinate the events.  

When you put all of that together, it feels like one is a burden or an obligation. When it's one-sided it doesn't feel right, and the longer that goes one the more it makes you feel like you shouldn't force yourself on others, and step back and become more insular.  Like I said, this isn't a "poor me" kind of outlook, and I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. I'm merely saying what I see, what I experience, and why I have the view I do.  

So, What Do I Owe Ya?

It's a well established fact that the internet is the worst possible place that has ever existed. Think of all the horrible things that it has brought us: pop up ads, click-bait listicles, not to mention the forums being used to destroy the republic.  But also, social media.  Social media is the worst. It's fully of stupid people connecting with other stupid people. In the 1900s, stupid people had to physically go out and find other stupid people t spread their stupidness. Now, thanks to social media, the stupid people don't have to go anywhere, instead they take their stupid memes and share them so other stupid people can see it and share it. It's like Covid in Florida, but for stupid.

One of the things the internet made that I hate most is the meme psychology and interpersonal advice that spreads like herpes at a nursing home. It takes the stupidity of self help books, and puts it into bite sized turds that are easily shared on the internet.  It's a self help books, only it's lazier. At least self help books require you to read something more than a picture with a dozen words on it. Some of the worst examples of this is the concept of toxic relationships, which is a valid idea, but has been memes into anyone who may make you unhappy or disagree with you is toxic. Another related memeified idea is cutting out these toxic people. Like, yeah, actually toxic people you should cut out, but your aunt makes you made does not make them toxic nor does is validate your choice to cut them out forever. But of course, as the next meme will tell you, you need to protect your mental health. Which of course means anything that makes you sad can't remain. The memes told you that you could.

However, the one that has irked me the most is idea that you don't owe anyone anything. This one is pervasive and applied to all sorts of things. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You don't owe anyone your time. You don't owe anyone respect. You don't owe anyone anything. To quote another meme, talk about toxic.  

The idea that people don't owe anyone anything is a perfect illustration of why the world is in the state that it is. This idea that you doesn't owe anything to anyone leads to a pernicious self centered outlook on the world. It's why you have people refusing to wear masks or get vaccinated. These people don't believe they owe anything to anyone. It's why people act like assholes in traffic, all that matters is them, they owe nothing to anyone else. Its why people feel that it's ok to just ghost people, cancel on plans, and act in a way that doesn't consider anyone else. Because they don't owe anyone anything. I mean, it's about them. This idea gives permission for selfish behavior and permission to become the victim if anyone has a problem with your selfish behavior. It gives a blank check to inconsiderate and rude behavior that is beyond reproach.

The truth is, you owe people a lot.  We live in communities, we live with other people, we have relationships and families. You owe these people things. You owe them your time. You owe them your understanding. You owe them the benefit of the doubt. You owe them explanations. You owe them your support. You owe them just as much as they owe you. Each relationship we have comes with expectations and behaviors that we owe each other because we can not have these relationships if we believe we owe them nothing. We owe each other everything, and this obnoxious ultra-individualistic and self-centered outlook that you owe nothing to anyone is truly toxic. Like so many of these memes, it's the kind of outlook that a young teenager might believe, and results in adolescent egocentric behavior. Often times I feel people who use this know it's not true, and know that they are really just deflecting after behaving badly and being called out for it. Perhaps they internalize that idea, and play the victim.  Perhaps I'm wrong and people truly believe this, but I guess I just think too highly of others that they can't be stupid enough to really believe things so unreasonable.

Our society needs us to owe each other, because that owning reminds us that we are community of people who must come together. It reminds us that there are those outside of ourselves that must be considered too. It is the basis of kind and warmhearted interactions, and reinforces compassion and empathy. The American myth of rugged individualism that brings us down he road of thought that we owe nothing to those around us has created some of the worst aspects of our society today. However, our lives are not our own, they are part of a larger community, and we owe it to those in our community to consider others, explain ourselves, give, thing long term, hear feedback, put others ahead of ourselves, serve, and be compassionate. 

So, what do we owe each other? Everything. So, let's grow up and stop pretending that we don't.

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time I was a regular blogger. For many years I blogged on a regular basis. Over the years I have racked up 2,380 posts... well now 2,381.  Blogger tells me that my blog has been viewed 33,095 times as of writing this, though I'm sure a number of these are just bots or some sort of sad accident were somehow someone ended up here.  This blog has been around since 2008. In fact, my first posts were on the election of 2008, where I was astonished by the stupidity of the Sarah Palin nomination, and celebrated the victory of President Obama.  It's crazy to see how things have gone since those days in politics, though I don't really post much about that anymore. In reality, I don't really post about much of anything any more.

Why is that?

I mean, it's not really that I don't have time. Most evenings are filled with watching some shown, and lately playing Canasta online with random people from around the world. Becky tells me what an old person thing to do, but then again, when I played mindless games like SlitherIO, that was equally critiqued.  I could be using that time to do something constructive, or even blog. But I don't.

Why is that?

Somewhere along the line, I figured what was the point of it all? No one really cares what I have to say, and I never thought it was something that was meant for a wide audience. A lot of it was just for me to get thoughts out of my head, and to be able to say things. For a number of years, the darkest years when everything was falling apart, it was also just something to fill the time. I had so much of it to fill that I needed something. I also had a lot of disappointment, sadness, and general struggles that it was an outlet to spew my greatest annoyances without burdening my friends and family with my negativity that none of them wanted to hear. I mean, it was the Great Recession, shouldn't I have just been happy to have a job? Did I have a reason to complain. Is that really what friends are for, because I was just a mood killer?

So, somewhere as time when I just stopped. I had nothing worth saying, and who was listening anyway? I've never really gone back and read any of those old posts, but I'm sure they're unremarkable. Why add more unremarkable content to something already filled with nearly three thousand posts of mundane lamentations. But then again, for whom is this little endeavor? Is it for you the reader, or me the writer? 

Why come back now? Isn't this thing been reduced to being simply for goal updates that I never achieve and a monthly recounting of my shortcomings? Well yes, we can't let hot content like that go the way of the Dodo.  However, I feel like I may have other things to say. I'm kind of mad about things. I'm kind of disgusted by things. I'm kind of at the end of may patience about things. The stress of Covid is finally wearing me down, and the stupidity of the world today is becoming intolerable. I may, once more, have thoughts in my head that I need to get out because it's absurd in the world today. 

Or perhaps...

I decided for this one day to post something, and then once more will recede into the sea of the internet to play canasta and scroll through Instagram.

Only time will tell.

Respectability

Today we did our drive back home, and it was generally unremarkable. I'm starting to feel like maybe it would be better to fly. It'd save so much time, we'd be able to not worry about parking and tolls, but then again there is a lot of downside with price and then transportation in and out of the airport. There aren't always good options. But we made it home safe and sound.

The show last night has really stuck in my mind thinking about how they presented the characters and the story, particularly Atticus.  The big thing with Atticus is that he was kind and he was kind to them regardless of how rude or disrespectful they were to him. He felt it was important to be respectful to everyone.  This was how they portrayed him on stage as well, however the other characters gave some pushback on his philosophy towards others, especially Jem and Calpurnia.  Jem had the feeling that his dad shouldn't just take whatever they said to him, he's willing to stand up to people who want to be rude or threatening to the family. This leads to some on stage tension between Jem and Atticus.

However, I think that Calpurnia does an even better job at challenging Atticus and his world view of respect towards everyone, even those who are advocating for violent vigilantism.  In one exchange Atticus is expressing how respect is important, even when he may not agree or like what someone else is saying or how they are acting toward him.  However, Calpurnia tells him that he is willing to be respectful towards everyone, no matter how much it may disrespect someone else. This line really stuck out because it illustrates that there are causes and effects to what we do. That Calpurnia is saying is that those who are the targets of the racists attacks and actions by members of the KKK are being disrespected when hateful people are treated as rational and respected individuals. In a way it is legitimizing their opinions as if they are acceptable. When it comes to the structural racism that has endured, it helps maintain it. Characters like Mrs. Dubose expect that they will be respected, regardless of what they say or do. It gives them a certain immunity to their words and actions. By respecting them their words go unchallenged.

Ultimately, Atticus holds firm the entire play feeling that respect is owed to all and that people can be trusted to do the right thing eventually.  However, he ends up looking kind of like a naive fool. He sees the world in an almost Polllyanna kind of way, and doesn't seem to understand that the people he is dealing with are not operating in good faith. He seems unable to understand the effects of racism and white supremacy in his community. He believes that things are much further along than they really are and that mosts people are good and not racists, when in fact the reach of that systematic racism stretches far wider than may be openly visible.  While not everyone may be hooded at a klan meeting, that doesn't mean that the people he interacts with daily are interested in equality or even sympathetic towards the African-Americans in the town or county. He is blinded by his experiences, the privilege that he has as a white male in that time to be given the benefit of the doubt. He is blinded by his naïveté that respect is owed to all and that because he often receives respect that the same respect is extended to everyone. He also seems stuck in an ineffectual strategy to change the world. He believes that respect and kindness will save the world, that it's the problem is the root to the problem and by modeling that respect and kindness and extending it towards people it will somehow cause those people to change how they act.

I think this really speaks to the world that we are living in today. It is quite common on social media to every once in a while see someone repost the thing talking about how what is wrong with the world today is that people aren't kind enough. That by being polite, by holding the door for the next person, or letting that person in at the traffic merge is what will solve the situation.  As if those things are going to change the systematic nature of the actual challenges that face us. That by somehow being nice to a random stranger will result in more fair sentencing, or make the bigot change their mind about those that he hates. It's a world view that says that they have not really seen actual adversity or been on the receiving end of the hate or structural discrimination that exists. It is the solution of respect that Atticus believes will make things better, but comes from someone who is rarely disrespected.  Would it be nice if people were kind to each other? Sure. However, it's not going to change the world, and is akin to having someone tell you to "walk it off" when your bone is protruding from your body. Such suggestions seem foolish and naive.  This is especially true when it comes from those in power and have the mechanisms to make real change. By telling us that it is merely kindness that will change the world, it denies the actual challenges that exist. It says that those things are minor and that a minor solution will cure it. It also allows those who benefit from the system to never have to face or reconcile their benefits and privileges under it.

Ultimately, Atticus is right to feel that we should try to understand others, be kind and respectful when possible. However, the world is more complex than that and not everyone in it is operating in good faith. Kindness is a noble idea but much like Atticus is blind to the deep nature of the issues in the story, people today are also blinded by the same issues. We are not as far along as we would like to think, and recent events illustrate the deep nature of the challenges we actual face. Kindness and respectability are noble intentions, but in the face of bigotry and hate they are as ineffectual as broom in a gun fight.

Picture(s) of the Day: 
Picture 99

I was really bummed yesterday because I couldn't get this photo to fit on the blog. Lucky for me I had so many thoughts on the show that I got to use it for today's picture of the day, even though it's from yesterday.

Shut Up, Brain

We're planning on taking a little weekend trip to New York, but my brain likes to get a bit overboard about worrying occasionally. The worries are absurd things to be worried about, and it's not like the chances of the scenarios that I'm worried about will actually happen. However, my brain will just once in a while pop up with something that could happen. Like, hey, you're going to be going on vacation and Sal is going to stay with her grandma, you know they have a pool and something bad could happen in the pool.  Or, you know, that's a long way to drive, car accidents are very common.  I suppose that one is common, but then more uncommon would be that to get into NYC we have to go through the Lincoln Tunnel, what if something happened and it filled with water!

It's a total waste of time to think about that, but they just intrude into my brain for me to worry about for a bit before I forget about it and move on. I suppose there is some evolutionary advantage to being able to think ahead for things that could be dangerous so that you can be aware and alert, but I feel like that's better for worrying about the possibility of being trampled by a wooly mammoth or falling off a cliff or something like that. Yet, we have a modern world so we get to think about other things that are unlikely and stupid. The upside is that if I want to get them out of my head faster, sometimes I'll think about them in a narration voice of Morgan Freeman.

Picture(s) of the Day: 
Picture 95

Sometimes Sal tells me that I have to take pictures of things. Today she told me that I had to take a picture of her necklace and specifically the heart on it. So why not make that the picture of the day?

Hibernation

I've been done with classes for a little over a month, but I've had a hard time doing all that much other than just watching the backlog of television on the TiVo.  I have a bunch of stuff that I know that I should get started working on, or that I should do more than just sit around watching tv, but at the same time I also just didn't feel like doing anything else at all.  This happens usually at the end of a semester where I just need some time to decompress.

The problem is that I'm having a hard time starting the engines up again. The fire has gone out because I don't have so much to get done, and now I don't have much to really keep me motivated, and so I've been sitting around watching a bunch of television. Part of me finds that totally boring and a waste of time, but then another part of me doesn't really see much of anything else to do, or anything else worth doing. Like, I could organize my photos, or I could work on some video stuff, but then again who cares? I'm not sure I really care, and I'm not really doing it for anyone else.  So really, is it any better than sitting on the couch watching television?

I guess it's kind of like when you have been sleeping for a while and then your alarm goes off and you hit snooze, but then you finally have to drag yourself out of bed and you end up feeling all groggy.  My hibernation has made me groggy.

Picture(s) of the Day: 
Picture 72

Brought to you by Trump's trade war.

How Do You Do It?

I hear a lot of people say things about how they don't understand how someone can do something that is hard or was stressful. A lot of people would say that when Becky and I were doing our undergrad and working full time.  People would say they that they just didn't know how we did it.  Well the simple answer is that there was no alternative.  How do you do it? Easy. You have no choice. Perhaps this is just a form of compliment saying that someone is impressed with how one is able to do such difficult tasks while having so many other responsibilities. However, at the same time a lot of people don't realize that people do things that way because it was the only option available to them. They think this way because for them there were other options. They didn't have to do it that way because they had support, or other avenues to pursue what they were going after.

Related to that, I often hear people complain about things that they "can't do" but what other choice do they have?  They must continue on, they don't have the option not to. I don't see the point in crying about the things that you just "can't do" when it is something that is not optional. Like, I can't say that I just can't do it anymore when it comes to taking care of my kid because the alternative is that she starves to death, or gets sent to someone else. Obviously those are not options.  Therefore, there is no benefit to complain that I just can't do XYZ anymore when it's a requirement.

I think it also relates to the idea of self-talk, and how it is so important to be aware of the way we talk about things to ourselves. When we start to think about things as being something we can't handle anymore, I think it is only going to make those things that much worse than they would be if you just recognize that they are hard to do, but that you need to buckle down and do it anyway.  How we frame things and how we think about things influences us greatly, and if we start thinking of things in a certain way, and start talking about them in a certain way, then we start to believe that they are that way also. We should be more mindful of that when we face adversity, or struggles in our own lives.

Picture(s) of the Day: 
Picture 62

I forgot to post this photo back when I went to the concert with Jasmine, but they had a Goblet of Fire, and this lady came out to talk about each movie.  I'm not sure if her dialect was fake or not, it sounded like it could be, but then again, maybe it was real?

Picture Perfect Memory

I've been working on scanning photos, as I have mentioned a number of times on the blog.  However, one thing that I really haven't talked about is how as the memories of these events fade, what I'm left with is instead the memory of the pictures. For example when I think about the first show that I was in, I don't necessarily remember specific things of me being in the play, but instead I remember the pictures of the play, or the video of the play.  In fact, I feel like I only have one really distinct memory of that play, and that was standing in one of the "trucks" and waiting to hear my cue to enter when called. I guess if I really think about it I can also remember that first day of blocking when it turned out that I was one of the first people to enter during the first town scene.  At the same time I do remember that at the dress rehearsal I forgot my shoes and had my regular street shoes on, but I don't remember that happening, I remember that it happened because there is a picture of me on stage wearing my Vans instead of what I was supposed to.

I wonder if this is some kind of new thing that people have been dealing with since the advent of accessible photography. How did memories work 150-200 years ago?  Would I remember the show as well if I didn't have a video to watch and remind me of what it was like?  Do I remember more but have mixed up my memories? Like, I remember Jeanette leaving signs all over the stage that read "poo gas' but was that for that first musical? Was it the spring play? Was it the musical the following year?  Would my memory be jogged if I talked about this with someone else who was there and they have pieces to the puzzle?  Is memory more a collective endeavor? In order to remember does it require discussion? 

With graduation coming up soon we are going to start the students on their speeches that we select from for the students to give at the ceremony.  Every year there are the canned "memories that will last a life time" yet most likely most of these memories will be gone at some point.  Do other people simply remember the pictures as the memories of events fade away? I guess I've become obsessed with memory lately. I don't know why, but a lot of my posts have been focused on that kind of thing.  I guess I'm just getting old.

Picture(s) of the Day: 
Picture 60

Look at these two lovely ladies!

Undependable

There are some people that the only thing that you can depend on is that they can't be depended on.  I know people that will say to expect them at an event, then five minutes before it starts they suddenly can't make it. Perhaps they think that's acceptable because they are family and they just expect you to approve of whatever they do, which I think is pretty shitty.  Or perhaps there are the people who always have the dependable excuses for why they can't do something. I get it, they're just "so busy" or they just don't have the energy to deal with... relaxing and drinking???  It really pisses me off because sometimes lack of dependability affects me because I have done something or devoted time to something only to have someone fuck off at the last minute so all that time was wasted when I could have been doing something else. It's incredibly disrespectful actually.

Somewhere along the way it became acceptable to just do whatever you want without thinking about anyone else. "You Do You" or "Self-Care" suddenly has become a "screw over other people free card." Responsibilities don't matter anymore, the only thing that matters is how you feel. As my friend would say people have anal glaucoma, because they just don't see their ass doing whatever it is that they said they were going to do. 

Really, I'm just irritated with people in general right now. I'm a flexible person, I generally am a go with the flow kind of person, and I'll readjust when people ask, however that doesn't mean that it doesn't impact me.  People seem to think that just because you are a forgiving and flexible person that it somehow does not in any way bother you.  They think that you will just "understand" and that's enough.  At times it also seems like if you are like that and complain somehow you're being an asshole because you're pissed off that things were disrupted.

I'm just vague posting here because I'm annoyed in general about a number of things. . 

Picture(s) of the Day: 
Picture 59

With the weather getting nicer it means that we get to spend some time out on the playground.  Remember when going to the park was the best thing ever?

Let It Be Writ Down!

As I think about it, I think another reason to blog is more than just processing thoughts, but also logging what is going on with my life.  Memory is sadly unreliable, and the more time that passes the less we remember about what is going on.  When I think back on memories there are a lot of things that are just gone, which makes me feel like an alzheimer's patient. The things I remember are those memories that I have taken the time to think about, while other things that I haven't bothers are seemingly lost.

While this is true of things from quite some time ago, they are also things that are gone from more recent. I've had students ask me about things that happened in class that I have no memory of, and that's only been the past nine months or so since the school year began.  Memory is selective, because we make the choice what we decide to remember, not necessarily on purpose, but simply because that's what we have thought on and focused on, for the most part.  Though, there are times that things can come up that we've forgotten about.  One example is that a few years ago we took a trip out to New England, and on the way we stopped off in my Grandpa's home town. I hadn't been there since I was about 4 or 5 years old for a funeral.  As we were driving around the town we passed a place my Great Grandma used to work, and as I looked at it I had a sudden strong memory of being in that restaurant.  Neither my grandma or my mom can recall us going in there, but they said they don't really remember much of the visit.  I too hadn't remembered much until I saw the place.  Though perhaps that is still in there because it's from some of the first memories that I recall having.

I imagine if I go back to the start of this blog and start reading I will be reminded of a lot of things that I forgot about. Perhaps now it's easier to record events with easier tech through cameras on our phones, and the internet. So I guess this is also a good record of events for my feeble memory.

Picture(s) of the Day: 
Picture 57

After recording a podcast Jeff and I also had some fun with the Snapchat filters. I said this should be our cover photo for the pod.

Thought Processing

I need to blog more, I've been out of the habit due to all the work that I've been doing.  Since writing again I've found that it's helpful to get these thoughts out of my head and allows me a way to process all the extra things that are going on in my brain.  I have a lot of thoughts that go on in my brain and most of them are stupid and worthless, rather throwaway sort of stuff.  I mean, is there anyone that I really need to talk to about how we tell kids to follow their dreams? Do I need to complain about my dog to anyone else? No, no one really cares about those things.  I think it's kind of like Dumbledore and the pensieve, takes some stuff out that doesn't need to be there.  I mean, why write? I don't say anything of value here and no one reads this thing except like my wife and honorary mom.  Though knowing that I do use it to discuss things that maybe I want to share but don't necessarily want to talk about and it's easier to write it than to say it.

That brings up an interesting idea that I heard recently on one of the podcasts that I listen to.  I know that I haven't been chatty much in recent history. I don't have much to say or feel like I want to talk about much of anything.  Someone wrote in for advice and the advices that the podcast gave was that they should just talk to the person that they were having trouble with. I don't know what the issue that they were having or why they couldn't talk about it, but that was the advice.  The hosts then got into a conversation about how when you've gone for a long time without talking that it becomes really hard to start talking again because you have not done it in so long that you're out of practice.  I think from all the reading and business and then the drama that happened, that kind of happened to me. I have a hard time starting conversations. It's not that I don't necessarily want to be friendly, it just seems like a lot of effort and that can feel exhausting. It's hard to break that cycle and work up the energy to actually talk.

So I guess that's why I write this blog.

Picture(s) of the Day: 
Picture 56

We don't celebrate Easter, but Sal wanted to do eggs, so we did eggs.

I'm All Alone

Sometimes reality seems one way, but feels a completely different way. Every week we have a family dinner that consists of seven of us.  When I got out of school for the semester we had a big event where people came over to have some fun since I'd been basically in blackout mode with all the reading that was going on in prep for the exam.  Birthday parties are usually pretty busy, summer camp fires are well attended, and so it seems like there area always people around.  However, at the same time I tend to feel very isolated. I often feel very much like an island apart from everything.  Lonely, and alone. 

Looking at events and picture and all those kinds of things one would probably argue that it isn't the reality of the situation.  However, perhaps that is the worst kind of solitude, the type where there are people all around and yet being alone.  People do show up for events, and I'm sure they care, and yet outside of those events I go about my days usually having no interactions with people who don't live in my house or are at my school. I have more conversations with friggin' 8th graders than I do with adults, and most of those conversations revolve around the concept of, "what are you supposed to be doing right now?" 

I also feel distance with people who I didn't always feel distance from.  People may argue that this kind of thing is just in my head, and that it's a two way street, blah blah blah, etc. etc. etc.  However, it's not.  I notice things, and I tend to be attuned to the vibes that people are putting off even when they're trying not to.  These vibes make me feel like I'm a burden, or that I'm being humored out of obligation.  I don't feel connections, but rather feel listless as a boat floating lost at sea.

I think a lot of that comes out of the family that I have. You get a lot of practice hearing people say that they're just so busy and that they care but then really not. I have a very uninvolved family that doesn't really care what you're doing. They like to pop in when they feel like or have something going on with them that they want to talk about, but don't really care what is going on with you. They ask no questions, or the questions they do ask are surface questions. It just allows you to read people pretty well because of all the experience doing it.

Really I'm probably just whining about nothing because I don't have anything to do.  To leave it on a lighter note, I present Spamalot.

Picture(s) of the Day: 

Picture 54

So this is a few weeks old, but for Christmas Jasmine got me tickets to see the Ann Arbor Symphony Orchestra perform the music of Harry Potter. It was an excellent show, and a nice new experience for my goals. 

Garden Season

It's getting to be spring and time to think about gardening. I've enjoyed the garden we've done, and Sal has really liked it too. I haven't had the best results as I've done them. Last year was a bit of a disaster, we didn't get any corn or beans. Well we did get some beans that were volunteers that popped up from the previous year. We've also had trouble with the peas, they just don't seem to turn out quite the right way. Like, we plant snow peas, or sugar snap peas, and instead we just get regular peas, which is dumb.  I've also had absolutely no luck with pumpkins. It always seems like the plants are doing just great, and then suddenly they just die.  About the only thing that actually works out really well are zucchini, which always go bananas, and are totally delicious.  The tomatoes usually do well too, but I can't usually eat them fast enough.

My grandma asked me the other day if I planned to do a garden again this year. I hadn't thought about it too much and I'm not sure if I plan to do one this year.  It takes a lot of water, and I don't want to cost my grandma extra money to do it.  I also mentioned that I wasn't sure if I should plan on it because she's been talking about moving a lot lately. I mean, it's not the greatest house, she's always got quite a mess if it rains too much because the patio doesn't drain fast enough. She's talked about how it's a lot to keep up and she doesn't know if she can do it anymore. It is a lot of land that has trees, and branches, and all sorts of things. A few years ago she almost move out of the place and purchased a condo. She really didn't seem to want to do that but her oldest son was pushing it really hard. I found that super annoying because he just shows up after being out of the picture forever and then comes in and starts pushing these things out of nowhere.

When that happened it really hit me hard. My grandma has lived in her same house for my entire life, and it was the one stable location. Her house was a constant that even until now has really never changed much. It was upsetting to think that suddenly that was going to be different. It probably contains the most memories from my childhood. There's also a physical aspect of the house that once it's gone will disconnect it. My great grandma lived there as well, and the thing is that the room she used to live in had a distinct smell due to some of her belongings. Perhaps kind of like a fake rose smell or something. However, the bedroom closest in that room still smells like that. She died 25 years ago, but when I open that door the smell is still there exactly as it was back then. I know eventually the house will be gone, but also I'm not sure I'm ready to lose those connections to memories.

Picture(s) of the Day: 
Picture 46

Just having some good time together getting some breakfast the other day.

Childish Things

I have a few former students that I'm friends with on Facebook.  After they graduated they asked and I wanted to keep in touch since I kind of took care of then, fed them from time to time, and provided some general support.  They're off to high school now and seem to be doing well, and every once in a while they stop by the school and say hello, or when we take the 8th grade for a campus visit of the high school they always know when we're coming and they come to say hello.  They're good kids who kind of had a crappy time of it, but they're working their way through life. I worry about kids like this and what will happen to them. They're in an environment that I don't know will lead to college and a way out of the situations they are in, but I hope that it does. (As a note I use college here to mean any secondary education, be it a college degree, a trade, or training in a specific skill that will allow them a good standard of living).

However, I bring them up not because of anything specifically about them, but I bring them up because I can see what they post, and the kinds of things that they talk about. The thing that sticks out to me isn't what they post, they are teenagers working through things at a teenager level.  What I've noticed is that there are some grown ass adults posting basically the same things that teenagers are posting.  The messages are so similar, and I wonder if they realize that their drama, and their response to that drama is basically at the level of a teenager. It's as if they never matured past a point and are still stuck at the mentality of a 16 or 17 year old child. That seems worrying to me.

Perhaps this is on my mind because tonight Bill Maher did his final editorial on people clinging to childhood and staying at a childish sort of level. His rant was on comic books, and collecting action figures and still basically being a teenager. He also went on about "adulting" and how younger people today go on about how "hard" it is, and how they "don't want to adult."  This things irk me too.  That being said, I also love a good comic book movie, and I may have some action figures, and I don't think that's inherently a problem unless that's all you do. Like, I like the Marvel movies, but I also watching basically all movies, even bad ones.  I still read and love Harry Potter and John Green novels, but I also read a ton of other books too. I think you can still like these things as long as it is only a portion of what you consume.

However, I think that if all you do is indulge in that type of thing, and you post on Facebook like you're still 17, well, then maybe there is a problem.

Health Challenge Tracking
AHA Recommended Sugar: 55g
Week Before Start of Challenge: 114.8g
Goal By End Of Challenge: 86.1g
Daily Average Week To Date: 107.3g

Picture(s) of the Day: 
Picture 25

Sal had to go to the doctor today for her checkup, and it also required that she get three immunizations, which she was not happy about at all. Apparently on her way out of the office she was just sobbing and told becky that she needed a wheelchair because she was handicapped now.

Thoughts On Being Mostly Vegetarian

One of the things that motivated me to go down the route of being a vegetarian was a need to try and limit the amount of pain and suffering that is in the world, and unfortunately industrialized animal production is a mess of suffering. Because of that I have severely limited my animal consumption. I say mostly vegetarian because I don't read every label to see what small ingredients are included in it. For example McDonalds apparently may have beef extract in their fries.  I wasn't aware of that for quite some time, but then again I also rarely eat them and since it's not actual meat I don't necessarily feel very guilty about it.

Last week when watching The Good Place, they discovered that there is an issue with the way they determine points to get you into the good place. The problem wasn't that no one was good, it was that there were a lot of unintended consequences that even when people tried to make good choices there were so many other things they were making choices about without even knowing it. I thought that it was a very interesting thought about the world we live in today. We are detached from the consequences of our choices because the world is so integrated.

For example, when thinking about eliminating meat to avoid suffering, it probably just results in suffering in other areas. The low paid workers who produce and harvest vegetables are exploited and while it may be different it is still not the best conditions and the choices that I'm making to eat more vegetables is helping to prop up these systems.  The same is true when we purchase the latest iPhone, computer, or other technology.  All of these things that we use we are far from the people who mine the resources used to make the chips, and the people who work low wages to build them for us. We don't know the choices we are making and how it's affecting people because our systems are so separated that we aren't forced to see see them for ourselves.

We live in a complicated world and it's hard to understand what we're doing.

Picture(s) of the Day: 
Picture 15

So I'm going to be a commercial for a minute, but we found this degreaser cleaner by Method. We weren't sure how well it would work but figured we'd give it a try. It really freaking worked well! like two wipes and the entire thing was spotless. I was so excited I took a picture. This is being old.